10 questions that every intelligent Christian must answer

 I did not create this video but I do think it is important to watch. Watch yourself come up with a ton of rationalizations for these questions if you are a christian.

How to Tell Your Christian Kids That You No Longer Believe

Our journey to disbelief was reasoned, highly discussed, and a gradual process. My husband and I would discuss theology and existence somewhat in secret. We even made a secret pinterest board called Belief & Existence that we shared little snippets of contradictions and other perspectives. In the end, the only thing that made sense - real and true sense - was that it was all mythology.

Then came the question of what to do with our kids. After all, we prayed before every meal, said night time prayers, had crosses hanging in their rooms, bibles all over the house, and religious icons everywhere. How were we going to share with them that all of this has been meaningless?

I will share with you our process with our 4 and 6 year olds and it has been so beneficial. Now at 5 & 7, they are becoming less afraid of imaginary things and more empowered.

Here is what I suggest based on the success of what we did. I say success in that no one is traumatized or hurt and we are a stronger family because of the shared honesty.

1. Confront your own guilt. 

It feels cruel at first. How can we tell them this invisible protector is not real? Will we be taking their hope away? What will this do to them? It's quite scary and raises a lot of self-doubt when you solidify your departure from the faith by sharing it with your family, your kids. Then it is real. But the farther you step outside of the Christian bubble, the more cultish and damaging and scary it all sounds. The alternative of reasoned reality is actually quite peaceful. My husband, in particular, wrestled for years with not wanting to go to hell if he was wrong. He was raised in church and that was what he was told from an early age. It messed with him. I converted as a teenager because my best friend brought me to youth group. I wasn't raised in a religious home. It was easier for me to let it go. Address that guilt it raises not only in yourself but in the thought of 'leading your kids astray'. The reality is that you are simply going to stop indoctrinating them and teach them to think for themselves and decide for themselves what they believe. There is no shame or guilt in that. 

2. Stop the religious rituals. 

We first stopped going to church, which was easy because we had moved to a new area and when trying new churches, we found extremism and anti-Muslim sentiment that was downright scary. We couldn't find a church in our area, so stopping attendance was an easy task. Then, we simply stopped praying together. When the kids noticed we weren't praying over dinner, we began the discussion. We told them plainly that we no longer believe. They were a little confused at first but we told them if they'd still like to pray, that was their choice. They held to prayer on their own for a short time. 

3. Answer questions honestly.

We did not beat around the bush. Every question that came our way, we answered. We had been studying the history of the ancient world and had stumbled upon so many mythologies that were similar to Christianity. When my 6 year old son asked me why I didn't believe anymore, I told him I wondered why we said Zeus and Amun Ra were not real, but our god was. Why did I reject all these other gods that people were just as passionate about and devoted to, but somehow mine was real? There is no more evidence for belief in the christian god than these ancient gods. At this, my son decided he was a universalist. He believed in ALL the gods. My 4 year old daughter did not discuss much but she still said she believed in God because God made her (a message we had told her 100 times). 

4. Discuss death plainly. 

When asked about heaven and hell, we simply tell them we don't believe there is a heaven or hell. Even some christians we know do not believe in fire and brimstone hell but rather an end of existence. Death does not need to be feared. It is a part of life and will happen to everyone. To reduce the sting of death, we share the comfort of knowing that we will NOT know when we are dead. We simply cease to be. That's it. Fortunately, we have had the benefit of living on a ranch the last year so they have seen animals born and die over and over. The more they are exposed to death, the less they fear it. Of course, I am not suggesting you take your kids to a funeral home, but when the goldfish dies, talk about it. Let them see it and say goodbye. And then life goes on. 

5. Encourage critical thinking in all areas. 

 In everyday situations, we question thinks and encourage examination of evidence. With every question of WHY that comes up, we work through the process of finding an answer. Recently, my son surprised me by sharing his hypothesis about why he and his sister fought more around the end of the day (because they were tired then). I asked him how he might test this. He suggested observation and data collection essentially - keep track of how many times they fight and what time of day the fight occurs as well as how much sleep they got the night before. This is a kid who is thinking logically.

 6. Come Out as an atheist. 

Atheist is a horrible term that incites more hate and fear than many other labels. I remember being told never to date an atheist, be close friends with an atheist, let an atheist work in government, etc. However, if we are to change this fear-based animosity, we have to claim it and stand up for it. Initially, I labeled myself as a humanist. Then a secular humanist. Then an agnostic. Finally, I realized if I ever want them to be safe as 'an unbeliever', we need to normalize the term atheist. It is not evil. It is simply lack of belief in god, not a blasphemous rejection of God's invitation for holy redemption. It is simply acknowledging that christianity, islam, and the world's many religions have no more proof for their god than the egyptians or ancient greeks had for theirs. No one shames us for not believing in ancient gods. And yet it is 'evil' not to believe in whichever god the person you are speaking to believes in. As our kids saw us share with friends and family, it removed some of the fear involved (that we had put there ourselves). 

7.  Always let them choose for themselves. 

To this day, they are still free to choose for themselves what they believe in religious or spiritual matters. I have cautioned them to be careful when speaking boldly about our lack of belief with kids at school, because it may not be well received. We have discussed some of the fear and irrationality that comes with the highly religious. That is to say, when asked "why do Christians not like ____?" or "how come some people say _____?", etc - we have discussions about what people think to be 'evil'. We have honest dialogue based on our own experiences. My son is actually fascinated by and thinks it humorous some of the superstitions held by various religions. Slowly, he is becoming less fearful himself and much more empowered. If there are no demons in my room fighting to get my soul, I can just rest and relax. 

Fear without God

I have noticed that there is a significance decrease in fear in our home since we adopted reason over faith. The kids are able to distinguish better between what is real and what is fantasy. We indoctrinated them into Christianity from birth (which I regret) but their beliefs are their own. At this point, the focus is entirely on critical thinking and the ability to make informed decisions for ourselves. We have shared the whole process of how our beliefs have changed, not in one long talk, but in the everyday interactions when it comes up. Over the last year, I've seen them start to evaluate situations and look for rational explanations.

My 7 year old son claims to be a universalist. He simply believes that all Gods throughout history are real. He thinks it's funny the things that different religions believe and are scared or mistrusting of. We answer all his questions and he is working out for himself what he thinks. He still struggles at times with fear before bed but NOTHING compared to what he used to. And who could blame him when I was over there telling him there were angels and demons fighting over his soul or that the devil is real and there is a spiritual war going on that we can't see, but this other entity that we can't see (God) is more powerful than the invisible devil . . . HOW COULD HE HELP BUT BE CONFUSED AND SCARED??

It has always been easier for my daughter to dismiss things that are not real. She does not believe in monsters or ghosts. She has no need to sleep with a nightlight, no fear of the dark. She is 5 and says she still believes in God because we told her that God created her. She doesn't have the same fear that my son has been working hard to let go of.

In short, a lack of God has led to a reduction of fear for our kids. Amazing how those two things are related.

You Have My Sympathy

Good morning. Last night I was so frustrated, I couldn't even articulate it if I tried.

A Christian friend of mine posted something about defunding Planned Parenthood, which is timely and makes sense to share his view. The article was understandably biased. This friend and I have a history of intellectual discussions. In fact, we used to get together every week to discuss a new topic. So, I figured it was safe to share my 2 cents on the article.

Nope.

A friend of his jumped in straight away. Now, let me preface this by saying I do not mind disagreement. I enjoy critical thinking and discussion. By all means, let's discuss. But, this guy was so unbelievably condescending and smugly self-inflated. I supposed I shouldn't be surprised because so many of us 'intellectual christians' are. I was, of course. I think that's why it bugs me so bad - because I used to act like that.

Here are a few of the response gems I got.

"you have stated there are details in the article you are choosing to ignore in order to maintain your position on this subject. If you were willing to lift the restrictions in your first comment, this could be a more open conversation" - I stated no such thing by the way. 

"I know being well informed about a topic is a good base for forming an opinion, so when I hear the people on one side putting a great deal of effort into knowing as little as possible. This worries me"

"(Alice) is saying if she limits the information she will look at she can defend her view of what is going on. When there needs to be so much effort put into limiting knowledge of the details, it is time to rethink your views."

I can go through and dissect each of these, post the whole conversation but it would be a waste of time. This guy was on attack mode. He didn't address anything I was actually saying, yet accused me of being close minded and ill informed. I was not as enlightened as he because I had a differing opinion. Do you see the brick wall of faith logic? There is no discussion, no new information, challenging what they think (in most any topic) is futile because their position is ordained by God, hence the superiority.

Here is where it gets really annoying . . .

"(Alice) you can still rise above this. At the very least you've thought about today."

"I fear this issue is not academic for (Alice), and if that is so, she has my greatest sympathy."

UGH. I finally had to step in and say that out of respect for my dear friends, go ahead and get your last dig in if you must, but I'm out.

"You have my sympathy."

Christian Disrespect for the President

I'm just going for it here. When I see incredibly insulting Obama memes, it is ALWAYS from a Christian friend. I have not once seen any of that disrespect from my friends of other faiths. Not once. Granted, this does not mean that all Christians do not like the President. It simply means that the ones I happen to know do. ha ha

Coincidentally, the only anti-vaxxers I know are also Christian.

Why is this problematic? For me, these positions are part of what first got me questioning what I believed in the first place. Why was I aligned with these people and all the scientists, educators, and intellectuals (with few exceptions) are more skeptical? That is not to say that being skeptical makes you part of the cool smart crowd, but there is something to be said for being able to think freely and critically.

Let's back up a moment here. I remember when Obama was first elected and he was going to give a speech to school-age kids about staying in school. The contents of the speech were released before the speech was given. It was brief and inspirational and entirely focused on staying in school and getting an education. I remember my Facebook feed blowing up with believers who were telling their kids, their youth groups, to WALK OUT of the classroom when the President speaks and instead go and pray at the flag pole. I was absolutely appalled. I was a believer at the time and I was still appalled. Even if you do not agree with the President (which at that point, he was so green, it more likely disapproval of his political party affiliation), but even if you severely dislike him - SHOW SOME RESPECT for the position, for the office, for this country. What does it teach children when you tell them to completely disregard the leader of their country and essentially plug their ears so as not to let any new information in? I remember being so frustrated because wouldn't it be more effectively to teach them how to think critically?? How to listen to others and evaluate information for themselves? The message was one of staying in school! Why disregard that message because you don't like the messenger? Ugh. As you can tell, this still frustrates me to this day.

Then I log on FB today and see this gem.

So distasteful and disrespectful. And of course, from a right-wing Christian. When did Jesus act like an ass? I must've missed that part of the Bible . . . and trust me, I've read it cover to cover.

No one is perfect, but I happen to think President Barack Obama is one of the best presidents we've EVER had in this country. I don't think we've ever had a president work so hard to stop violence against women here and around the world. He has spoken out about rape culture and helped change university practices for handling rape allegations. He condemned female genital mutilation and child marriage in his speech in Kenya. He consistently works to change this country for the better in the midst of incredible opposition and racism that still very much exists in this country. I have nothing but respect for the man.

However, even if you do not agree with his politics, as a Christian, shouldn't you be kind? Didn't Jesus counsel respect to Caesar, pay your taxes, don't make Caesar graffiti memes (lol, you get the idea)? Wasn't it the holier-than-thou religious leaders of the day that made him most angry? When would he be all about guns, female subjugation, and telling the poor to get off their ass and work for a living?

I suppose I should take this meme with a grain of salt as it is coming from the same Christian that posted this meme.

Clearly he is holier than us all.

Faith Logic

I logged on to Facebook yesterday and stumbled into a discussion amongst my Christian friends about the number of kids one should have. In a sea of responses, one person bravely brought up the subject of overpopulation and she did so with the utmost respect while first praising the original poster for being a good mother. This, of course, unleashed a fluter of responses about having faith and trusting God to provide, etc.

Someone even said "May your quiver be full!" Have you heard of the Quiverfull movement? In short, it is a group of fundamentalist Christians that avoid any birth control believing that as many kids as God gives them are as many as he wants them to have.

Now, everyone is entitled to their opinions, yes but I have a problem with what I call "faith logic". Faith logic is an oxymoron, I know. The problem is that those who use it do not see that it is. It goes a little something like this. . .

My choices, preferences, actions, reactions, ideas are God's will because I am a child of God and he guides my actions. God is for my causes, against my enemies, and generally backs whatever I do. 

Remember, I have not been untethered from religion that long. It was not too long ago that I used to justify my actions and choices too. The problem here is that you can not discuss things like overpopulation or the impact we are having on the earth's resources, when the person you are having the discussion with thinks this way. It completely forces out any competing ideas, because those competing ideas are 'not from God'. Only YOUR ideas, YOUR pastor's ideas are from God.

You can't argue with the mentality that whatever choices I make are God's choices because I was able to make them so they must be from God. Never mind how these choices affect others. God is for me. Who can be against me? Logic and reason do not work when people are certain that whatever they do for themselves is ordained by God.

I have been free of religion for a number of months now and the more I stand back and look at this stuff I used to believe, the more shocked I am that I ever believed it. I used to be a judgmental, holier-than-thou bitch and that is the truth. I have better relationships with my family and friends since losing 'God's backing' of every thought and judgement I had. Instead of focusing on what they are doing that is in any way deviating from how I choose to live my life, I can just appreciate who they are. Who cares if they have a glass of wine at night or have not trained their kids to sleep in their own bed from an early age, who cares about parenting differences, personality differences, differences that make us unique and human! I used to sit there and judge and feel like I was SO holy to be able to see the mistakes they were making and how great it was that I wasn't making those mistakes.

I literally had lost touch with my own father, in part because he was not a Christian and just didn't 'get it'. I had ridiculously high expectations for him because God is our heavenly father and fathers on earth are supposed to reflect the characteristics of God, right? And every day that passed that he did not reach out to me to reconcile was one more day he was not right in God's eyes.

I am happy to say that one of the first things I did after I woke up from this haze religion had me in was to apologize to my dad for all those unrealistic expectations. And guess what? We have a RELATIONSHIP now. Amazing how you can have a healthy relationship when you stop basing that relationship on judgment and expectation. Of course, no christian would admit they do this. I wouldn't have. Had you told me these things when I was devout, I would have thought you unenlightened and pitied you. And this is now what many of my friends who are still Christians do to me. They pity me.

How sad it is that now I won't be joining them in heaven. How sad it is that I am living my life apart from God. How sad it is that my children aren't being raised in church anymore. How sad it is that I am experiencing a 'dark night of the soul'. How sad it is that I must not have truly known God or had a relationship with Jesus Christ. How sad it is that I am forsaking Him.

One of my best and dearest friends was even more entrenched in the church and ministry culture than I was. She is 'recovering' now too. We joke that we must be on every prayer board in the country!

Media Exposure

If I may shift into mom mode for a moment, The March Hare, my 7 year old son has a friend over to spend the night tonight. They are doing what every 7 year old does nowadays - playing Minecraft. It's either that or watching YouTube videos of someone else playing Minecraft. I am a die hard gamer geek girl and I've played Minecraft. It was fun for a couple weeks. What I don't understand is the appeal of watching someone ELSE play. I don't mind listening to my son watching DanTDM or even Annoying Orange but occasionally he'll stumble across the most boring mod showcases from lesser known YouTubers. It is mind numbing. 

It is SO hard to navigate as a parent with the access to technology and information kids have. He likes to do image searches for things that he is interested in, as I do. I have safety blocks on his iPad but I've looked for harmless images and still had explicit ones pop up. 

He really likes looking up Minecraft horror maps on YouTube. Personally, I don't find 8-bit graphic squares scary, but he just eats it up. We had a talk with him about Internet safety the other night. The reality is that you can have every parental block but if you don't teach kids to self-filter, it won't do much good. They will binge as soon as they find a way through the filters. My son wanted me to look up creepy pasta the other night. I did and a fairly common scary meme image showed up and it creeped him out. He told me, "Mom, sometimes there are things you wish you could unsee." At that, I shared with him that there are things even I don't seek out as an adult. I enjoy good scary movies but I'm not interested in prowling the bottom layer of people's twisted minds. I'm content to watch The Conjuring and call it a day. 

My parents did not raise me in a religious home. They let me watch things with cussing or violence from a young age with the supposition that I could discern what was 'too scary' for me. I was never scared by much and didn't feel some great desire to binge watch gore films because I wasn't allowed to see any scary movies until I was old enough. My husband, on the other hand, was raised in a VERY Christian home and although in my age group he missed Michael Jackson and Madonna and all the fun of 80s pop culture because he was only allowed to listen to Christian Rock or worship music. He couldn't watch scary movies. So, of course, as a teenager he got his full of plenty way more horrifying than anything I'd ever seen. 

I'm the end, I try to adopt a cautious but permissible approach to media exposure.